Safer Threesomes

Safer Threesomes

Fucking Great!

Isn’t sex amazing? Sexuality is so complex and dynamic; it just keeps changing and re-inventing itself. Always a new turn-on, turn-off, or experience. Bodies change, partners change and minds change. We do different things with different people, it’s always an adventure! Experimenting with vibrators and dildos, nipple clamps and cock rings; fucking around with someone you never considered before, or throwing it all in the mix and getting down with a little ‘Three’s Company’. Sounds like your style? It should, because in TRIP’s last Super Survey, a whole lot of you kinky people said that you have/or currently participate in ‘Group Sex’ (i.e. threesomes, foursomes, moresomes).

This info is intended to arm you with knowledge and resources that may increase your sense of sexual awareness, adventure, and safety, while minimizing the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STI’s) along the way.

Bingo Baby!

Safer Sex means being physically safe from infection and harm in one’s sex life, as well as feeling safe in one’s boundaries around how, and with whom, we have sexual contact. Consider things like:

Consent is an absolute requirement. Only engage in sexual activities you’re comfortable with, and don’t allow anyone to force or coerce you into doing something otherwise. Be aware of everyone’s signals as you have sex with one another, either verbal or non-verbal (ie. body language). While one may consent to having a threesome+ on the whole, one may not consent to being involved in certain sex acts within the session.

Comfort Comfort is key. Sex is often trial and error, and new sex acts can be uncomfortable or awkward at first. Know your limits and tolerance for sexual acts. Be aware of your emotional comfort with each activity and with the situation on the whole. Many of us have buttons or triggers (like insecurities from past experiences) that can be set off during sex; know what these are for you, and devise a plan or strategy with yourself or with your partners, to work around this (i.e. avoiding certain acts, only having sex with certain people, incorporating code words to inform others that you’re not into what’s happening at the moment). Preparing yourself mentally and emotionally for group sex will help you to feel more comfortable when fucking around.

Limits and Boundaries are important ways to respect yourself and the people you fuck around with. Knowing and expressing your own limits and inquiring about others’ boundaries will set the stage for consensual, comfortable, and pleasurable threesome + experiences. Talk beforehand to find out what everyone likes/dislikes and what people are/aren’t comfortable. Not everyone has a conference before getting down to business, so sometimes you need to speak up along the way! Communication is vital: a moan of pleasure or moving a person’s hand (or whatever) to where you want it (or away from where you don’t want it) can all be ways to say what turns you on/off. Be creative!

Choose for yourself . . . when you can understand the prologue and after-math of such sexual practice. The stuff in between is great and all, but best to be emotionally prepared to see your partner chatting up the cute one you guys were dancing with earlier, and when she walks up to you and you all leave the club arm in arm, the night will unfold better than imagined because you thought ahead and are ready to explore new experiences with intelligence even in the haze of a high. -anonymous

Fucking Tips:

Colour-code your condoms. Keep track of who’s fucking who, and in which orifice, by assigning specific coloured condoms to each person (IE. Person A only uses blue condoms when fucking Person B, and red condoms when fucking Person C.). In our Super Survey, some of you identified that you don’t use a fresh (new) condom between each new partner during group sex. This may keep the person wearing the condom safer (than not using a condom at all), but the person getting fucked is at higher risk for STI’s, including HIV. Once you get used to colour-coding, it’ll be second nature!

Change condoms between orifices (ass, pussy). Keep your colour-coding scheme here as well (IE. light blue condoms for anal sex, dark blue condoms for vaginal sex). In addition to STI and HIV transmission, the risk here includes transferring E.Coli, natural bacteria found in the lower intestines, from the ass into the vaginal tract, where it can create a urinary tract infection. Keep the flora where it wants to be – change condoms when fucking both ass and pussy. The same risk applies using sex toys between orifices, or poking/prodding hands or fingers in the ass and pussy, and between people.

Use condoms to keep sex toys fresh between each person. To lower the risk of STI transmission between partners, change the condom on a toy before using it on someone else, and likewise, between each orifice (ass, pussy). Incorporating the condom colour scheme will help keep track of who’s using which toy and where.

See and be seen. Fucking in the dark means you won’t see sores or growths that may be on yours or others’ genitals. You may come in contact with things you would avoid if only you had known! Fucking with the lights on, and getting familiar with everyone’s dick, balls, pussy and ass, can add a hot visual element to your fucking session.

Sweeten the fun. Whether you’re eating pussy or cock, using flavoured condoms or dental dams as a barrier can protect against STI’s. If you can’t bear the taste of flavoured condoms, try using dry condoms which are unflavoured and unlubed. These are intended only for oral sex. Even though unprotected oral sex is low risk for HIV (if the person going down has a healthy mouth with no open sores or recent dental work), it’s high-risk for Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, and Herpes, and possibly HPV (Human Papilloma Virus aka Genital Worts).

Drugs and Threesomes: Being high can mean being more impulsive when it comes to sex. However, research shows that people who practice safer sex regularly when sober are more likely to practice safer sex when high. Likewise those who don’t practice safer sex regularly are less likely to practice safer sex when they’re high. So what does that mean for you? Practice, practice, practice! Get lots of sober safe fucking time under your belt and you are more likely to remember to be safe when you’re high or drunk. Keeping condoms with you when partying is a great reminder not to let being high interfere with your safety and health.

Holy Shit!: If you are into shit play or rimming, you’re at risk for Hepatitis. If you are into blood play or play piercing, you need to protect yourself against HIV as well as Hepatitis. Wearing latex gloves when playing with fluids, or using dental dams/cut-open condoms for oral sex, and condoms on sex toys will help to reduce the risk of STI transmission between each other.

Plan ahead. If you know you’re into threesomes+, and are just waiting for an opportunity, think about how you would talk about safer sex, birth control, sex toys, and of course, all the emotional stuff that comes along with threesomes+. If you’re in a relationship and you both want to have a threesome+, discuss these important things beforehand.

Keep up your own health. Sharing attention and pleasure is one thing, sharing an STI is another. In threesomes+, if one person has an STI it can be passed to all those involved and those people can pass it on to other people they fuck around with.

Your Inner Wisdom: It’s wise to get tested regularly, and with each new partner, to keep yourself (and the people you fuck around with) informed, healthy, and of course, ready for action!

Hey Ladieeeeees

Don’t be fooled, if you’re into girl on girl(s) action, you can still give and get STI’s. Wearing latex gloves to play with body fluids, using dental dams/cut-open condoms for oral sex, and putting condoms on sex toys will help to reduce the risk of STI transmission between each other.

Birth control pills may not be effective when you’re taking other meds, including herbal remedies like St. John’s Wort. Ask your doctor or naturopath, do an online search, or call one of Toronto’s many sexual health info lines to find out. Unless you’ve been told otherwise by a medical professional, continue to take your birth control pills while taking other meds; it’s wise to use a second form of birth control, like condoms, until your next period after completing your meds. FYI: birth control pills offer NO protection from any STI’s.

Be sure to get your annual PAP test (your family doctor or gynecologist can do this); he/she can look for abnormal cell changes in your cervix, which can indicate the presence of the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV), an STI that often has no visible signs or symptoms. Pap tests are free, quick, easy and painless. Remember that condoms are the only form of birth control that can prevent both STI’s and pregnancy.

Pissing Razorblades

Yes that’s really what it can feel like the morning (or week, month, etc..) after a dip the night before! The burning pain of STI’s is no fun. Even less enjoyable is having an STI for months or years and not even knowing it. The worst is passing it on unknowingly to the people you fuck around with. Not exactly your idea of sexy? Read on.

If you feel deep pain in your lower organs; painful, dark or strange pee; or if something just doesn’t feel right, you may have an infection. Itching, nausea, abnormal vaginal discharge, odour, skin changes, fatigue, rashes or sores on or near the genitals can be signs or symptoms of an STI.

Condom Care Tips

  • Remember: Condoms don’t belong in your wallet, glove compartment, or any other warm/moist places (aside from the intended!). Latex breaks down under heat!
  • Use water-based or silicone lube with condoms to ensure that they don’t break! Oil-based products (such as Vaseline, hand-cream, massage oil, etc.) will eat through latex.
  • Check the expiry date, make sure the package isn’t punctured or torn in any way.

Testing

Getting tested regularly for all STI’s is smart, even if you’re feeling normal, and especially if you’ve had unprotected sex. Many STI’s can be treated with antibiotics, however some have no cure.

According to TRIP’s survey among Toronto partyers, only 35% of you get tested regularly for HIV or other STI’s. Some people believe because they use birth control (the pill, diaphragm, etc.), they don’t need to get tested. Birth control methods prevent pregnancy, but do not -except for the good ol’ condom -protect against STI’s.

Ready for Action!

Self education, self respect and sharing knowledge are key elements to getting the most out of any group sex experience. Whether experimental or lifestyle, sex with more than one can often complicate things but it doesn’t mean it can’t be safe and hot. Talk to your friends and people in your social scene about it and see what comes up.

Like any good game, group sex can be fun and safe when consenting parties play fair and leave their inhibitions—and undies!—at the door. Of course there is more to fucking multiple people than just, well, fucking! For more on the emotional components of polyamorous relationships (relationships with more than 2 people involved), check these books out:

The Ethical Slut: A guide to infinite sexual possibilities. By Dossie Easton & Catharine A. Liszt

Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines for Responsible Open Relationships. By Wendy-o Matik